Summary: Intorspective Dean in the aftermath of 6.22, The Man Who Knew Too Much.
A/N: This came about in my quest to be more creative or something. So I went and got me a writing promt, that being 'it gets better' and simply started writing. Of course at the time--I wrote this a few weeks ago now--I was, ok still am, majorly upset about Cas. So... kinda depressing, borderline hopeful? fic came about. Enjoy.
It gets better. He tells himself this over and over, like a mantra in his head. It gets better. He knows this. Or, some part of his brain knows this. The rational part. The emotional part, well, it still hasn't stopped screaming and crying. Sam tells him with his eyes, with the claps on the shoulder, with the way he doesn't ask too many questions. It gets better.
But right now it blows.
In complete, utterly complete, honesty Dean did not think it would end this way. Things got out of hand, everything seemed exaggerated, but nothing seemed irreparable. God. No, that doesn't feel right to say anymore. Just. Fuck. Everything simply spiraled right out into holy shit in a matter of moments and there was nothing Dean could do.
It gets better.
So, yes, Castiel played God, quite literally, and it didn't agree with him. Cas couldn't contain all those souls. Even being an angel, no one was made to harness such power. Dean knows Cas did it for the right reasons, but that doesn't stop Dean from feeling betrayed and hurt. He knows that all Castiel has ever done since pulling Dean from the pit was because of him, for him. But here he is; hurt because his angel didn't confide in him and seek his advice and think, really think about the repercussions. Cas thought he was strong enough, thought this was the only way. Dean knows though, from experience, that once you start cutting deals with demons it can only end badly.
It's six weeks later and Sam and Dean are in a motel off highway 32 in Mississippi. Sams already conked out on the bed to Deans left while Dean lays silently and stares at the ceiling above him. Cas went and got himself killed. He saved Dean. He saved Sam. He saved the world. And Dean couldn't do shit to save Cas when it counted most.
It gets better. And Deans sure it will. At this very moment he cant see how anything short of Sam spontaneously combusting could make what he's feeling any worse. So, yeah, it can only go up from here.
Dean didn't even know he had a heart left to break, but Castiel did always love surprising Dean. He surprised Dean by exploding in a searing white light and leaving Dean standing there thinking Jesus fucking Christ I fucking loved that angel and I am just realizing this as he fucking explodes because he consumed to many fucking souls. Thats not even the worst part. The worst part was right before Castiel exploded, when Dean and Cas were having one of their stare offs, Cas looked so smug and satisfied; he thought he was a hero, thought he proved Dean wrong and saved the day. Dean saw something different. He saw eyes that were too pale to be the same as the bright blues that flew him from the green room and abandoned all he knew for Dean. All for Dean. Always, always all for Dean. Before Dean could even say anything though, Castiels eyes widened and Dean saw the recognition, he saw so many emotions flash in an instant and Cas said, so softly, but Dean heard it like it was pushed into his head, which thinking back, it probably was, "I'm sorry Dean." And that was it. The next moment Dean had his hands over his ears and his eyes squeezed tight as a blinding white light filled the room. When Dean stood up from his crouching position he had accommodated, Cas was gone. And somehow Dean knew Cas wasn't gone like the pop in and out of heaven kind of gone, but gone as in no more. Hasta la vista baby. Castiel simply couldn't handle the power. And Dean was left there gaping, thinking about how the fuck he is so emotionally fucked up that it takes exploding out of existence to make him realize he is in love with someone.
Its four months later and Sam and Dean are on their way to some little town in Michigan to check out a possible hunt. It's dark, the sky is devoid of stars, and the back roads are so unlit that besides the Impala there is no other light source for miles. Sam is dozed in the passenger seat while Dean drives along lethargically, the speakers quietly humming some Led Zeppelin song he couldn't be paying any less attention to. Dean cant stop thinking. About all of this. About everything. He's not depressed, he functions normally, or as normally as he ever does, but he has regrets. So many fucking regrets and his mind is constantly spinning with thoughts of what he wishes so badly he could have said or done differently, but in the end he just wishes he had closure. Cas got closure. He got the last word in. Castiel realized a moment before he died everything that he had done and what was about to happen and he knew. He got to apologize and he didn't let Dean say anything back. And it wasn't fair because Dean had so many things he wanted to say. He wanted to tell Cas he should be sorry. Sorry for not coming to Dean when this started. Sorry for not trusting Dean, for not asking for his help, for not talking to him, for not coming when he called. He wanted to tell Cas that he fucking loved him and he couldn't leave Dean, not like that, not when there was still so much he wanted to show him about humanity. He was going to show Cas the Terminator movies and tell him how he was like T-800, rebelling against his orders to help his charge while the rest of his brothers remained giant dicks. He wanted to tell Cas that he was sorry for not seeing it, for not attempting to see it, for being to self absorbed in his and Sams problems, for not realizing anything. He wanted to tell Cas thank you. Thank you for everything you've given to me and back to me.
Dean looks up to the sky. He doesn't know what happens to an angel when it dies, but the only thing left he has is hope and he's clinging like a tick to the notion that Cas got sent back to heaven for good with all the other good souls. Dean hopes somewhere, somehow, Cas can hear him and he whispers, "I'm sorry I couldn't tell you that I love you, and I'm sorry that I couldn't thank you for everything you've given to me. Somehow, I will find a way to see you again and you're gonna know just how thankful I am." Dean smirks and looks over to Sammy who's still sleeping leaned up against the window and pats his thigh in a gesture of reassurance to himself that he can do this.
It gets better because Dean will make it better.